Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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