I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
