Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just threw up on my dentist
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Congratulations! We have a period
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
