My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
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