I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
