You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
