Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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