last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
