so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
