Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
