So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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