In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
