I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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