Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
