meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
