She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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