just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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