just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
