I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize