He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
