I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
