I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
