Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize