part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Success! We fucked roommates!
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