i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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