Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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