a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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