Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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