Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize