I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
