I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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