if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
