He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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