What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
