i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
