Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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