someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
