haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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