She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
