my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
