I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
