I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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