you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
