i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
