my mouth tastes like poor choices
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
