so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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