i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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