1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
