normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
