My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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