WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
