You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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