Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize