put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Randomize
