I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
