It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
