Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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