my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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