1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
