my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
