Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
