she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
