She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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